Self-Realization

I sit here thinking about some frustrating things that have happened recently, and it occurs to me that I've been seeing myself wrong. I always call myself a pessimist and a cynic. I assume the worst, don't expect good things so I'm pleasantly surprised when I'm wrong. 

That's the easy way to see me.

The truth is, I think, that it's all bull. I'm not a pessimist. I'm an optimist who uses pessimism to attempt (poorly) to shield herself. That's why I keep feeling hurt and dejected when people turn out not to be what I think, why I feel overwhelmed when bad prevails. A true pessimist wouldn't be affected by this. Would expect this.

So I sit here, festering on my surprise and disappointment in others and in the lot I have been handed in certain areas of my life. I thought, "Why are you surprised? You know people suck. What else would have happened?" But the real core me under it all still screams, "Because that's not the way it's supposed to be! I'm not supposed to have this kind of unhappiness. My friend wasn't supposed to die and I'm not supposed to be alone and abandoned for other people on a whim. I'm supposed to be happy. People are supposed to be kind."

So now I'm left confused, feeling like a stranger in my own head.