Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Midterm, mid-crazy

I feel as though I'm kind of losing my grip. I was told that I would very likely hit a kind of depression once I finished grad school, and I think I've made impact. I took a little online test thing through my employer, and it said, "Woah, Nelly! You've got depression." Okay, it didn't say exactly that, but yeah. Basically it did.

So I was thinking about it all day. Am I depressed? Because I feel like it's really just a more acute version of what I always feel--moments of happiness surrounded by moments of hating it all and thinking I suck and wishing I could figure out what I REALLY want to do with my life. Will I always be alone? Will I ever be happy? Blah blah blah. But if I've always had these mood swings, is it any different now? Is it worth even trying to deal with it again? Or should I wait for the downward slump to end, and the upward slope to begin?

So am I just a "depressed" person? Could I ever really be happy when I'm always so centered on not being good enough, being a failure at stuff? Is that too hard-wired in to overcome? Do I just suck it up and live with being unhappy much of the time? Because what is the alternative? I have tried "positive thinking" and all that, and it will work for awhile, but then it wears off, and the more "natural" me returns--to thinking I'm a fraud, that I'm not good enough for what I have, etc. I don't want to take meds--so what the hell can I do?

I have no reason to doubt myself, or even to really be unhappy. I have led a relatively easy life, no gigantic drama, no calamitous failures, no....real problems. So it's not like I have any real reason or "right" to be this way. But what can I do to change it? How do I rewire myself after 31 years?


Jennifer said...

OooooOOooo (say in a Scottish accent) ya cannoh post somethin like thahhht lassy an not expehct ah wee ahnswer. Teaching my course in counseling has solidified my already opinionated opinions on such matters. Amazingly enough I have no idea if this is a public response or not, so I'm sending you an e-mail...

netekay said...

You aren't crazy...just cranky! :) Seriously, it's not you--it's the kids. I saw so much ADD this week that I could have made a fortune selling Prozac and Ritalin!

You are in a new situation and adjusting is going to take time. Trust me...of this I know (said a la Yoda) !!! :)

Anonymous said...

Hey, I know exactly what you are talking about. I struggle with this all the time. It's the kids for me too, but my kids, so I have that guilt that I don't want to be around them sometimes. At all. Anyway, I think it's normal though there is a fine line to be watched. If we didn't ever have downs, we wouldn't enjoy the ups!