Why can't I marry Aragorn?

So, I'm trying to write a paper today to submit to an academic conference. I can't write in silence, so I decided to put Lord of the Rings on for background noise. And now all I can think about is that I really need for Aragorn to be real, for him to dump stupid Arwyn, and for him to marry me instead.

And maybe take a bath.

But not shave. I like the scruffy look.

I have such simple expectations. I really don't see how this is too much to ask.